The Bribe Has Arrived!
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The Bribe Has Arrived!By Bill Rowsome
Mike Harris' bribe arrived several days ago. What am I going to do with it? I was quoted by editor David that probably I would spend it on something. I will, but not until I have contemplated its fate as it sits unopened on the kitchen table. It sits mocking me, forcing me to think of a suitable destiny. I will certainly not return it; Unaccepted by the Addressee, the language of the post office, is not for me What to do? I can only procrastinate so long; the next government may not honour it. Better open it, perhaps a computer glitch added a bunch of zeros to the amount and I will get what I am worth.
It is an impersonal, mechanically produced cheque in a windowed envelope and from another province. The least Mike could have done is use our own civil servants to produce it. For a real political coup he could have added a personal touch by addressing the envelope and signing the cheque.
It's not from Mike!
It's from J.C. Himself. No, not really J.C but two of his minions. The feds. are into the act. A federal election is looming and direct vote buying looks like a good thing, bypasses all this nonsense of distributing money through Human Resources. I wonder how many backs were scratched to broker this arrangement?
Nevertheless it has to be spent.
Donate it to a political party? As soon as the federal government gives us as good a tax break to charity donations as it does to political parties that will be a consideration.
Donate to a charity? Goodness knows I get sufficient phone calls and pleas by snail mail to find one worthy of the $400 from our family. Strangely when I ask what percentage of the donation reaches its intended beneficiary and what percentage is eaten up in advertising and administration the telemarketer stammers and hangs up.
Spend it frivolously? That would have been its fate while held by the Ontario or Canadian Governments but government spending practices are not ones I want to imitate.
Spend it on needs? I don't have too many but the garden did not produce well this summer and I will have to buy some commercial fruit and vegetables during the winter. I wonder if these new Genetically Engineered (GE -or God's Equivalent) things will really make me glow in the dark if I eat them? Scientists, in their wisdom, have G E'd the colour of worms to make them more attractive to fish. If I glowed fluorescent red would I have more sex appeal?
How about a trip to the local casino? They are being built all over Ontario, new ones erected wherever victims are anticipated. The Ontario and other provincial governments seem obsessed to have us get rich by gambling with lottery tickets and slot machines. What ever happened to the old fashioned work ethic as a means to obtain satisfaction in life?
I will spend it in the spirit of its donation by Mike or J.C., whichever? A gamble with a possible political reward but I am not a gambler and have no political rewards to disperse. Four years ago our family was well rewarded by research financed by The Heart and Stroke Foundation. We will buy four $100 tickets on their next annual draw. We already have the reward, a life extended, and we may get an additional bonus, not really a gamble.
