April_Fools

Jeff Green | Mar 31, 2005

Feature article March 31 2005

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Frontenac News Consulting

After 35 years in the newspaper business, the Frontenac News has decided to expand its horizons, and is announcing the formation of a new division: Frontenac News Consulting.

We will be available for private and public consultations, says editor Jeff Green, although our focus will be public policy consultations. In recent months we have seen the consulting business take off in the region. Currently there is a Transportation study going on, a Real Estate development study, several strategic plans, and thats just in Frontenac County. We intend to offer our services throughout Eastern Ontario.

The new division will be independent from the newspaper, and Green says he is not worried about any apparent conflict of interest for the newspaper, which will be working for the people it is normally covering.

Thats really a red herring, Green said, for three reasons. First, the consulting business is separate from the newspaper end. Secondly, who could be opposed to spending public money consulting the public. Finally, the newspaper is financed by advertising in the first place; we take money from the people we cover every day.

The new division, which will be officially unveiled at a reception on April 1st, will be headed by Luther Frost, who has recently moved into the area from Ottawa, where he had been working in the accounting department at Nortel after spending several years with the Federal Government in the Department of Heritage (Flag Division)

Luther knows his way around a meeting, said Green, I think with him at the helm we should land a few of those $20,000 or $50,000 contracts. The newspaper business is all well and good, but the profit margin is low. The consulting division is sure to solidify our corporate bottom line, Green concluded.

The great race #9 comes to the Land OLakes

by Brad Flear

With the dazzling array of Reality shows, all consisting of International content, CBC Canada has made a decision to produce its own home-grown series.

CBCs Alan Smithee has successfully negotiated The Great Race #9 Canadian Edition to commence next year, April 1, 2006. Smithee was quoted as saying that Canada, with its varying terrain from the East tot eh West Coast, is natural progression for the popular great Race series.

While details are sketchy it appears that the race will feature the Land OLakes during one of its episodes. It will come through the Village of Ompah and proceed west through the Mazinaw area before heading further north.

The CBC has contacted an unconfirmed source in North Frontenac to obtain approval for the idea. While no employment opportunities will be created, exposure form the show will provide and awareness of the ruggedness of the region.

10 Canadian couples will paddle, run, swim, and ride their way over a predetermined course to produce one Canadian champion.

Victorian Houses Banned by New South Frontenac Township Zoning By-Law

by Wil McKenny

Loughborough district residents were stunned to learn that the recently ratified township zoning bans two-story Victorian style houses. "I know it could be hard on some of the long-time residents who may have spent 20-30 years in their homes," says Mayor Pond, "but Im sure theyll be pleased, once they get used to the idea." Councillor Davesdad agreed: "Were in the 20th century here, so its time we got with the program, so to speak." Councillor Petunia pointed out some of the many advantages of single-storey dwellings, and wishes to remind residents that removing the top stories of their houses will provide a good deal of lumber for other projects. "Just think of the sunlight thatll get in, once those porches come off," he added. Only Councillor SuvDewal seemed to hesitate. "I dont look forward to the public meetings," he commented, adding: "But it should raise the villages appeal to low-flying airplanes."

Bedford Councillors were overheard asking each other, "Whats a second story? And whats that got to do with houses?"

None of the other council members could be reached for comment.

It should be noted that all houses built before Queen Victoria died in 1901 will be "grandmothered" in, so to speak. "Its a shame, but theres not a lot we can do about them," commented Deputy Mayor Dawn, "for our lawyer has reminded us that they are Victorian."