Dec 04, 2013


The holidays can be an especially difficult time for those experiencing grief due to the loss of a loved one. In a special information session held at the Maples Restaurant in Sharbot Lake on December 2, two grief counselors spoke about their own personal experiences and some helpful strategies for coping with grief.

Hazel Huneault, a trained facilitator with Bereaved Families of Ontario and a victim support worker with MADD Canada, knows all about grief after having lost a niece and a sister. She opened with the statement, “All communities need a soft place to fall over the holidays.” She stressed the fact that grief can be overwhelming and the holidays and the world do not stop for grief. “While others are caught up in the shopping and the baking we want no part of it and this is normal and this is okay. No, you are not going crazy. You are a grieving person trying to adjust to a new kind of normal.”

She spoke of grief arising unexpectedly, anywhere and at any time and how that is also okay. Some of her suggestions for coping are: “Do not push or force yourself to do anything that you do not want to do. It's important to be gentle to yourself. This is your grief journey and you set your own pace. Talk to family and friends and change your plans as you wish.” She said that it is for no one to judge the decisions a bereaved person needs to make to help them get through every day. “Don't worry about hurting others regarding your decisions about how to spend the holidays. You must be true to yourself.” She suggested sitting down with your family to decide what you want to do and to be honest. “There is no right and wrong way to handle the day. You are vulnerable and need to just get through the next day, the next week or season in a healthy way.”

In closing, Hazel stressed that grieving takes time and that one will often experience difficult ups and downs. She said that sometimes focusing on children can help, and trying to make the days as enjoyable for them, though it can be difficult, is one goal to strive for. She added that because everyone's grief is unique there are no steadfast rules. She said that experiencing grief saps your energy. “Rest when you need to and if you need help with everyday tasks ask someone to help you.”

Caroline Yates, who worked as a former executive director at Bereaved Families of Ontario, also shared her ideas about coping with grief. She lost her son when he was just 19 years old in a car accident and shared her personal grief experience and strategies for coping. She said there is wealth of information online and that talking to strangers can sometimes be easier than talking to those you know well. “People we know often don't want to see us sad, which makes it hard to talk to them.”

Yates said that being inundated with happy holiday messages through the media can be a difficult thing to cope with. “Be true to yourself. It's hard because people don't want you to grieve. It's important to not feel guilty about the feelings you are going through.” She spoke of the fact that often, unless others have experienced grief, they may not understand what a bereaved person is going through and may not be able to offer the kind of support they need. Some of her practical suggestions for coping are: “Let the tears come. Don't answer the phone if you don't want to. But do answer it if it is someone you know who will understand you.” She suggested acknowledging and embracing your limitations. “Don't agree to commitments until the day of. If you commit and then renege you will feel guilty and that is something extra that you do not need to feel bad about.”

Yates said that asking for help can be one of the hardest things to do when one is experiencing grief. “Try to reach out to those who might understand your feelings best. You need to know you are not crazy and are not alone.”

She stressed the importance for a bereaved person of needing to tell their story and that a listening ear can often be what they need most. She touched on dealing with inappropriate remarks such as, “At least you had a chance to say goodbye." Of her own experience she said, “I did not have a chance to say goodbye and did not want to say goodbye.”

Yates stressed that grief should not be compared. “People want to try to connect and try to understand that they love you and want to help but sometimes say stupid things.”

She suggested planning ahead and getting a lot of rest. “Sleep whenever you need to and if you want to, find new ways to celebrate when you are ready.” Those who attended the information session had a chance to share their own personal stories and it was easy to see that talking and sharing with others who have experienced similar losses does help assuage grief.

For those who would like to help a grieving person, Hazel had a simple suggestion about what they could say - words that she herself has used to express understanding to those suffering a loss: “I've been thinking about you.”

A Community Christmas Tree of Remembrance has been set up at the Maples Restaurant. People are welcome to help decorate the tree by placing a card on it in memory of a loved one (cards provided). 

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