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Down_And_out_AT _The_Mall

Feature Article November 27

Feature Article November 27, 2002

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Down and Out at the Shopping Mall ATrue Story by Jack Shoppingthumb

There are few things I like less than going to a shopping mall during the "Festive Season" (as Christmas has come to be called). The very word "mall" leaves me twitching in a corner. The Cataraqui Town Centre in Kingston is the one that ties my stomach up in knots the most, but any mall will do. There is something about an enclosed environment that tries to be a public space that doesnt agree with me.

My stress level begins to rise before leaving home. The list is presented to me as I rush out the door. It has names of stores, options for products depending on price, etc. No time for details, I say, I gotta go. At first I feel good as I drive down the highway towards Kingston. Its just me and the open road, and Im heading towards junk food heaven. The mall has a food court.

Things change as I enter the premises. The Christmas music floating through the corridors of the mall distracts me from my purpose. The first thing I notice is the inappropriateness of my attire. Insulated rubber boots, while they are the choice in footwear as far as I am concerned, do not fit in at the mall. In fact, they peg the wearer as a loser from the country. Neither is a heavy coat something that fits in. I notice that everyone in the mall seems to be wearing fashionable shoes and a thin coat, or no coat at all. Do these people live in the mall? Am I the only alien who has entered from the outside. And what did I do with my list?

I head to the food court to buy a hamburger, some egg rolls, a stir fry and a taco. By the time Ive finished eating, Im fully loaded with msg, food colouring, and who knows what else.

Ive also forgotten what Ive been sent to fetch. What could there possibly be in this place that I would want, I ask myself. I start fumbling through my pockets looking for my list. and I find lots of stuff; pens, paper, nuts and bolts, needle-nose pliers, unknown keys, Canadian Tire money, old receipts, childrens socks, but no list.

I begin to walk aimlessly down the aisles looking for the store or stores I was supposed to go to, hoping to remember something of what brought me to this hot, sticky place.

By now my boots are dripping, leaving a trail of brown water behind me. I look over to see if someone from maintenance is scowling at me, but only see the blank faces of other shoppers looking right through me. No one wants to meet my eye. And why should they. I dont belong here; I dont know why I am here and they can tell I dont belong - Im sure they can.

I wander into the Radio Shack to stare at the computer monitors and television sets. I get distracted by the different fuses and connectors hanging in rows at the back of the store. Do I need one of these? If I do, how can I tell which one? A salesman asks me if Im looking for something in particular. I mumble something about browsing and shuffle out of the store.

My head begins pounding, so I head for the Tim Hortons to wait in line for a cup of burnt coffee. Why do they burn the coffee at Tim Hortons? I get the coffee, but for some reason I ordered triple sugar instead of triple cream, and it goes down like burnt syrup.

I begin to feel faint. I see the Zellers store and turn the other way and walk quickly. Ill go anywhere but into the Zellers.

Its time to leave. Im not going to remember why I came and my list is lost forever. Which door did I come in through? Ill have to go out exactly as I came in or Ill never find my vehicle. The doors all look alike, of course.

There it is! My door. Im into the cold air. Theres the vehicle. Theres the highway out of town. Im gone.

Ive survived my excursion to the mall. I see the list on the passenger seat. Its a big one, but Im not even going to look at it. If the items were really important I would have remembered what they were. Im reminded of the old adage. If you cant find something in your own village, you dont really need it.

Im going to move to a village thats so small it doesnt have a store. Think of the money Ill save.

With the participation of the Government of Canada